As I've had time to process the events of Sunday, which you can read about here, God has used the situation to impress a few truths on my heart and I wanted to share them with you today....
When I was growing up, and until recently actually, I thought God was an all or nothing God. I thought that he expected perfection from me and when I failed, he was beyond disappointed with me and looked at me with disgust. I related to him in that way. I felt that I was constantly letting him down and I would never be good enough for him to love me. Thankfully, I've learned a few things about God, his character, and his grace. But, today, I had a bit of a realization... When I realized that Emerson was going under the water Sunday afternoon, and I was far enough away that I couldn't reach her, I was DESPERATE. There wasn't much of a limit to what I would have done to get her out of that water. There was an instant rush of instinct that shot through me that made me almost crazy with the need to rescue her. Seeing her little hands reached up into the air grabbing for anything to help her, trying to keep her head up so she could breathe was honestly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Knowing that she was in distress, knowing that she needed me in that instant, was overwhelming. It took my breath away. When I was laying in bed with her last night she told me, "Mommy, I just kept trying to push myself up so I could see you". In her fear, she was trying to keep her eyes on me. She was trying desperately to know that I saw her, that I was coming for her. How I felt yesterday is a minor fraction about how God feels about us. I wasn't standing on the beach thinking Oh Emerson, if you would have just made the right choice and stayed closer to shore, or, Emerson, you disobeyed my words, shame on you, fix your problem. NO WAY! I was thinking... I need to get to my child! I have to save my baby! That's what God thinks about us. God is desperate for us. He's desperate to reach us! He's desperate to save us! In our sin, we are exactly like Emerson was yesterday- head going under, holding our breathe, reaching up hoping someone will come for us. She didn't know she was in danger until it was too late. We run headlong into our sin because it looks fun or appealing. Emmy just wanted to play with the big kids, she didn't realize the danger she was walking herself into. And we get out there too deep, we get stuck and suddenly we're trying to push ourselves up just to see help. Just to try and keep our heads above water long enough, in hopes that someone will save us. Luke 19:10 says- For the Son of Man came to SEEK and to SAVE that which was lost. It doesn't say that Jesus came to stand by and tell us how bad we are because of our sin and shame us for our bad choices, and that we have to fix our problem. Jesus came to SEEK us out. He came to SAVE us. He's desperately loving you, he's coming for you, to pull you up out of the water. He's rushing for you to save you from going under! I wish you could feel my heart in this, the heart of a mother who was almost looking death in the face. The heart of a mother who was mere seconds from losing her child. The heart of a person who got a tiny tiny tiny glimpse at the heart of God- his desperation for us. His jealousy for our hearts. God loves you. God loves you. God loves you. And not only does he love you- he's coming to you. He's reaching out to you. He wants to pull you into the safety of his arms, out of the danger of death. Will you let him do that today? I'm praying that if you don't know how deeply God loves you, that today you will experience even a tiny fraction of the fullness and protection of his love. Because it will blow you away. If I can help you with this in any way, please send me a message or email me. I would love to talk more with you about how much God loves you, how he wants to rescue you. Find a friend, contact a pastor, someone you trust that can help you with this. Because this will change your life! Happy Tuesday!
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The current Bible study I'm doing,Brave by Angela Thomas, has a chapter about being undisciplined. I think it's a chapter that most anyone can relate to. I don't believe there is a single person whose disciplined in every area of their life. It was a chapter that really struck a chord with me, and when I completed that chapter, I sat down and made a list of 7 things that I can do during the day that will help with keeping my home and sanity in tact. I've been doing them for a few weeks now and I wanted to share them with you today. 1. Jesus Our first step, thought, action, etc should always be Jesus. Ok, I'll admit that when I open my eyes in the morning my first thought isn't about Jesus. It's usually- did I wake up before the girls. But, once I collect myself a little, I always try and pray for a few minutes. I find my courage and commit my day to God. I pray for His will to be done during the day and if that means rearranging my schedule, then so be it. When I skip this step, I usually do not have a good productive day. 2. Start Early I'm not a morning person. I've finally embraced this. I'm not the type of mom who's up before the kids, dressed, fed, and ready to go when their feet hit the floor. And that's ok. There are lots of women out there that can do that and it works well for them. It doesn't for me. But, once I'm up and going with the girls, I kill my day if I sit down right after breakfast is over. Because then I stay sitting and nothing gets done. I start on my to do list as soon as breakfast is over or as soon as we get home from dropping off at school. It gets the momentum going and I accomplish more. 3. The 10 o'clock Rule I saw this idea on another blog, and for the life of me, I have no idea which blog it was. (if you know, tell me and I'll credit this idea). If you menu plan like me, this isn't very hard to do. It's just simply knowing exactly what's for dinner by 10 am. When you do this, there's no surprises at 5pm when the meat is still frozen or you're missing a key ingredient. Also, if you're a working mom, or doing weight watchers, or counting calories, or really just want to take the stress out, I would say do this at 10pm the night before. Plan exactly what your meals will be for the next day and have things prepped and ready to go. If you pack your lunch for work or the kids lunch for school, have them partially packed and ready to go for the AM. 4. Write Stuff Down Yes, it's true. I feel so discombobulated when I know I was supposed to be doing or remember something but I have no idea what it was because I didn't write it down somewhere. I have a smartphone, but I'm an old school type of person. I have a good ole paper student planner that I use daily. But, if that's not your style, use your calendar on your phone, make notes, use smoke signals. Do something. Just write stuff down.
5. Have a Flexible Schedule We're semi scheduled during the school year just because of Emmy's school schedule. She goes to school 3 days a week, so we plan around that. But, normally we know that Wednesday is also Library day and Friday is grocery day. I schedule specific things on specific days so that life just runs more smoothly. I plan on doing this during our summer break too. Certain days will be different things- water day, library day, beach day, etc. A routine like this helps my girls too. They know exactly what's going to happen and when. Obviously, don't pin yourself down so much that you create stress with rigidity. If you have to switch things up, no big deal. This is life. It's fluid and not perfect. 6. Schedule Downtime in Your Day From 1pm-2pm there's a good chance I'm sitting in our big brown chair in the living room drinking a cup of coffee. And doing nothing except Facebook, Pinterest, or reading a book. And ya know what? That's ok. That hour and cup of coffee help me reset for the afternoon. If I take that hour to refresh then I'm good to go for the rest of the day. If your day is scheduled, work in some downtime. A few days a week I use this time as "quiet time" for my girls. I have specific toys, books, puzzles they only see during quiet time. Emmy uses this time to work on writing her letters or "homework" from school and Macie normally colors or looks at books. If I haven't worked it in earlier in the day, I use this time for my Bible study time. 7. Clean your "stress space" before bed. I HATE going to bed with a sink of dishes. My morning just runs so much more smooth when I come into a clean kitchen. When I'm trying to pull myself together for the day, it starts me off on the wrong foot when I walk into dirty clutter. So, I've been trying to make a point to get the dishes washed, the counters clear and clean, laundry off the floor (my laundry is in my kitchen), and my floors swept before I head to bed. Makes a big difference in the way my next day starts. Well, there ya have it. 7 things I do to help my most undisciplined life run more smoothly. Although, I don't want to leave this unsaid- There are areas of our life that may perhaps always be undisciplined. And discipline looks different for every person on the planet. But don't let the important things go. God gives us his strength and ability to conquer our undisciplined areas if we commit them to him. And it takes practice. We can't wake up in the morning, tell God we went to be disciplined and suddenly we are. It takes work and intention. And it's hard. But don't bypass it because it's hard. Take God's help and get victory over those areas. And I'm right there with ya. Happy Tuesday! This is one of those posts I'm not exactly positive how to start. I've been praying about it and lots of things have come to mind, it's just a matter of ordering my thoughts. Please hang with me, it might be a bit long.
On Saturday, Aaron and I found out that the local leaders of our denomination had decided not to renew Aaron's license as a pastor in the church. There's lots of technical stuff that I won't bore you with, but basically he was given the choice to start the 4 yr ordination licensing process over again for the 3rd time (you can read a little bit about that here, here, here, andhere.) or do nothing. After much prayer and discussion, we've decided that we'll be stepping away from ministry all together and not starting the licensing process over at this time. We've purposed to be intentional in praying for God's will in our life. We've been praying that God would open and close doors for us, whether that be in ministry, for moving, for our girls, for pretty much everything. Our desire is that God's will is accomplished in and through our lives. But, we've been praying this within the scope of our daily lives. We knew that we're coming up on big decisions about moving, and Emmy starting school, and we've been praying for God to lead us into a (non bivocational) full time ministry position. When we prayed for God to open and close doors in ministry, we never dreamed that it would be moving us out of ministry completely. I must admit that over the last few days I've swung on the pendulum of emotion. I've been angry, and sad, and felt betrayed. I've grieved for my husband, and I've grieved for our vocational ministry. But, I've also rejoiced in the fact that I trust in a God who has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. As we sat down to sort through all of our emotions and refocus our prayers, an over arching theme started to present itself to us- freedom. Not freedom in the sense of we're escaping from something bad, but that for the first time since we've been married, we're not tied to a full time ministry position or the requirements of ordination in the church. We don't have to be here or there for any specific purpose unless the Lord leads us. And right now, that "freedom" has lead us to the decision to relocate. We knew that we were moving anyways, but now our scope is just currently a little different. We're working on a very fast timeline, about 70ish days, but we're hoping to make a move in late May up to northern Indiana/northwest Ohio. It's something that we've talked about for a very long time, but until now, we've been tied to our obligations here through church. It hasn't been an easy decision though, as it would be moving away from what we've known. Living here in Indy is all my girls know. We have family here, we love the church we attend. The members have become extended family. And it's hard making a move to what seems to be nothing. No friends, no church, right now no job, no home. But we know that God is faithful. We've learned by now that our ways are not God's ways, so we're confident in the fact that if this change doesn't happen in "our" timeline, remaining here in Indy is ok too- it's our work in progress plan B. And we know that God is not done with us. As we were laying in bed a few nights ago, Aaron knew I was battling sadness and frustration. He grabbed my hand and reminded me that ministry isn't limited to a full time position. It isn't a title that someone has. It's an attitude of the heart. And we can do it anywhere, at any time. I know that. In my heart of hearts I know that. But, it doesn't change the little bit of a painful ache I have over knowing that right now, our life in full time (bi)vocational ministry is on hold indefinitely. But, I know the calling that God has placed on our lives. I know and experience daily the passion Aaron has for teenagers coming to know the Lord. I trust God's character. Even right now when I feel broken and we're being emptied. Because I know that God is working all things together for his good. For his purposes. We would appreciate your prayers during this time of transition. We'd appreciate understanding in our moments of grief. We hope that you can rejoice with us as we start this new chapter of our lives. I'll be blogging as I can and want to be able to continue to share how God's revealing himself to us. I love you guys and pray for you daily. Thank you for all the love and support you've given over the last 2 years! Months ago, my Pastor, said something during one of his messages that instantly struck me. In fact, on the way home from church I created a pin with the phrase. But, at the time it was one of those phrases that seemed wise and insightful, but it didn't necessarily apply to my life. Now, 8 months later, it's a phrase that's defining my life. But we'll come back to that. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.- Romans 8:28 NLT I don't feel much purpose right now. I'm a wife. A mother. Sometimes I'm a blogger. There is purpose in that. Endless purpose. But I know that God has also given me gifts and talents that are to be used outside my home and this computer screen. I know my calling. But right now, my calling feels like a deflated balloon. To refrain from being too cliche, purpose is the wind to the callings' sail and this ship is heading nowhere fast. But the truth remains. However far away I feel from my purpose, I know that the things God is leading me to and through, and away from are not meant to hurt me. Does this mean I won't feel pain? No, absolutely not. But they will not lead me to ruin. There's a difference. Pain and ruin are two very different things. And some days I forget that. The disciples thought God led Jesus to ruin by leading him to death on the cross. But, God proved otherwise. Jesus' pain didn't lead to ruin, it led to life. Now back to that phrase... The selfish side of me is tired of giving. I'm tired of giving the things God is asking for. I'm tired of walking face first into the doors he's closed. But then I'm reminded of the fact that this is what I prayed for. I prayed to become more like Christ. I've prayed to become the reflection of Jesus. That means giving. That means trusting even when things don't make sense. That means knowing that God works things together for good because he loves me. The doors he's closing, the things he's taking, the empty places he's leaving behind-
They really ARE meant to make me more like him. They really ARE meant to lead me farther down the path towards good. They really ARE meant to fill me with his purposes. They really ARE meant to lead me toward life. If you are like me, you confuse pain with ruin but you might also confuse emptiness with nothingness. Doors closing, paths changing, forking, losing what's important to you- that's not nothingness. That's emptiness. That's not ruin. That's God making room for more of himself. We have to be empty before we can be filled with His purpose. Our purposes may seem good, and right, and righteous, and valiant. And that's why losing them can be so hard. But this is when I trust that losing what I hold onto means that God is bringing about his best. Even if that means pain. Even if it means having empty hands. So, right now, I'm learning to be thankful for pain. For emptiness. Because God is not leading me to nothingness and ruin. He's leading me to purpose and life. Hopefully, in 60 years I'll be sitting on my (wrap around) front porch rocking on my rocker, reflecting on my walk with the Lord and I'll think of this time in my life as when God pulled the plug on the drain of my purposes. And I'm confident in the fact that it will be a pleasant thought. Yes, I might remember the pain, but I'll be quickly blinded by the memories of good as well. I'm remember the emptiness, but immediately recall being filled with his purpose. I'm excited for that day. The day off yesterday has thrown me. I woke up this morning in Monday mode. Thankfully, I remembered it was Tuesday and I'll be getting on with Tuesday things. Anyways, I wanted to share these with you, partly because I want the accountability, but also because I know there are probably other parents out there that can and should make parenting goals. I didn't start the year with the intention of setting specific goals in this area, but the Lord has really impressed them on me. So... here goes-
1. Stop Yelling. Yes, I'm a yeller. And now so are my kids. I've read so much about this topic and I know it's not a good form of communication with my children. Infact, it's not communication. It's just yelling. I even realized that the reason I yell is because I feel like I'm losing control of situation. But, I didn't see the need to change until it was staring me in the face. I heard Emmy start talking/sounding/yelling just like me. And I decided that was it. So, I've purposed to speak quietly when I'm upset instead of yell. It hasn't been easy and I've not been perfect, but when I sense the anger or out of control feeling building up, I've just prayed for help from the Holy Spirit to help me control my emotions and give me wisdom on how to handle the situation instead of yelling. 2. Encourage More. I want to be an encouraging parent. I want my kids to know that I love them and I approve of who they are and who they are becoming. I want them to know that I recognize things they do. And I want them to know that I love them, no matter what. So, I've decided I want to encourage them 5x's more than I discipline or correct. Some days this has proven to be REALLY hard. When it seems like they're just out to make me crazy or I'm in a bad mood, it forces me to look for the positives. And it's helped me to appreciate things about my girls that I haven't before. 3. Let them be kids and loosen up. Obviously, there is a time and place for everything, but at the appropriate time I just want to let my kids be kids. For so long I've worried about my children's behavior and over-corrected them when there really was no reason to. I wasn't letting them just be kids. When they aren't doing anything wrong or when they aren't hurting anyone or themselves, then just let them be. An example of this- Sunday we took the girls to a local McDonalds and let them eat and play in the play place. Emmy got up during lunch and moved to the 2 seater table next to us. Normally, I would have immediately corrected her and made her come back to our table, but I told myself she's not doing anything wrong, she's not hurting anyone, she's safe (still within a quick arms reach) and she's capable so just let her be. She was happy, I was happy she was happy, and it didn't turn into something it didn't need to be. 4. Pray for them more. I pray for my kids, but not faithfully in a earnest, praying God's will over them sort of way. Right now it's my job to lead them to the cross. It's my (ours- as in Aaron and I) job to introduce them to Jesus and teach them about who God is and what that means for their lives. We read bible stories with them, we do bible verses, we talk about God, but I'm not faithful enough to pray God's protection over their little hearts and minds. 5. Protect them. Everyone's probably like... well, of course you're supposed to protect them. I'm not talking physically protecting them- I'm talking about protecting their hearts and minds. And teaching them how to protect their own hearts and minds. I've really prayed for wisdom in this area. And the Lord has shown me that there are things that we have been doing, have been watching, have been listening to that could plant little seeds in their heart and grow into things that he doesn't want there. Most of this comes through watching TV. I've become very protective over what they are watching. We've cut way back on how much we watch and we've stopped watching things we've watched previously. They don't like it, but right now, it's what I need to do to protect their hearts. 6. Stop being a hypocrite. I'm not saying that Aaron and I lead vastly different lives in private than we do in public, because we don't. But, I do instruct my girls to do things that I don't do. Or not as quickly or as easily as I should. They have to clean up their toys when they're done playing with them so why don't I clean up the mess I make in the kitchen as soon as I'm done. I want them to make their beds in the morning but I can't remember the last time I made mine. I can't teach and train my children in Biblical principles and instruction if I'm not living out that training myself. I want to be more like Christ, and I want my kids to learn about God and becoming more like him from me and what I do, not just what I say. Parenting has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Marriage has been exceedingly hard and parenting has surpassed that easily. It has exposed my selfishness in a way I never thought possible. God has used my children to peel back layers and expose things about myself that I didn't even know existed. But I'm so thankful for that. I want my kids to know Jesus by seeing him in my life and if that means dealing with ugly things, then that's what it means. Are there any parenting goals you want to set for yourself or have been working on lately? I'd love to hear them! Happy Tuesday! 2014! What the what?! Man, that happened fast. Seriously, it seems like just yesterday was 2000. All the Y2K drama. I guess my point is that time flies! 2013 was a year of anticipation for me. Aaron and I entered the year running head on into fixing our marriage, a brand new job for the Post Man, and excitement that finally we'd be debt free, healthy, and happy. I knew that we had no where to go but up, and I knew that God would show us his love and faithfulness in new ways. God led me to Ephesians 3:20-21 as my theme verse for 2013. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. All I can say is that God proved those verses to us over and over again. He provided for us- physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. Over and over again. And yet, the last few days as I've been seriously thinking about putting down my new goals and theme verse(s) on paper, all I can think about is where I've failed this last year. The goals I set for myself that I did not meet. I started getting discouraged that I, not only didn't lose weight, but I gained. I can't say my house has stayed any cleaner in 2013 than all the years before. We became debt free early in 2013 and then accrued debt again. All these failures have clouded my vision and created so much white noise I was having a hard time concentrating on getting new goals down for this year. All I was hearing was "why make goals when you don't reach them"? I mentioned it briefly on Facebook and a friend suggested I use the word "focus" as a theme this year. I'd already been praying about Philippians 1:10 as theme verse and as soon as I read what she mentioned, it was like a light bulb went on. So... in 2014 my them word is- "Focus" And my theme verse is Philippians 1:10 (NLT)- For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. Last year was about change. It was about moving forward, it was about God's love, grace, and redemption. 2014 is going to be about focusing my eyes on the cross. It's going to be about seeking out and asking God to show me what really matters. To shed the things that are holding me back from living more like Jesus every day. I want nothing more than to be able to live a pure and blameless life before God. I know that means starting out the year not focusing on the failures of last year, but on the fact that God has given me another day to work towards the new goals I'll set. Through his strength.
Once I have my list of goals completed, maybe I'll get them up so you can see them. I'm still praying about the place this blog has in my life right now. It was quickly becoming something it shouldn't have been- a time consuming point of comparison to the rest of the blogosphere out there. It was stressing me out and stealing my joy. When (or if) God gives me the correct focus and direction for the blog again (and I can carve out the time) I'll be back. Happy New Year! It's Christmas time! It's my favorite time of year. Most of the time. This year I've had a really hard time getting into the "Christmas Spirit". Growing up, my Christmas season was all about church programs and parties. I come from a pretty large family and we had set traditions. I just knew how it was going to be. I could count on pretty cool gifts under the Christmas tree and nacho dip at the family party. We had movies we watched on certain days at certain times. Christmas was Christmas. It was the same, and I loved it. I'm normally the type of person who's got our Christmas tree up pretty early in November. I listen to Christmas music before Halloween. I'm even ok with snow until the day after Christmas. But this year, I just couldn't seem to get my heart into it. Then I realized something. My Christmas season wasn't about me. It's not about the traditions I create with my own family. It's about Jesus. It's about sacrifice. It's about showing up. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the cuteness of the nativity story. Who doesn't love a newborn baby? And maybe not everyone thinks about this (but I'm a hopeless romantic, so I do) but seriously, the love story between Mary and Joseph. Maybe not that they were pining for each other and gazing lovingly into each others eyes, but that they chose each other. They chose to model love to each other. Love that they hadn't even really seen yet. Man, that's good stuff. When Jesus came into our world, he came knowing he had a death sentence. He lived for 33 years knowing what was going to happen, and still he chose us. He chose to come. He chose his situation and circumstance. He chose to be part of a low, struggling, broken people. He chose sacrifice- sacrificing himself, ultimately (and thankfully not permanently) sacrificing his relationship with his father. Thinking of all that, it kind of makes my Christmas traditions seem silly. Yeah, Christmas caroling and nacho dip are great, but what's the point? Is the point of Christmas to create new traditions with my kids that involve Church programs and family parties and gives me the warm fuzzies? No. It's not. Those things are great and our family and our church are both gifts God has given us. But I suppose THAT'S the point. God gave us a gift. Not a gift we open and shove in a drawer to keep forever, but, a gift that we have to keep giving. This Christmas I'm choosing sacrifice. I'm choosing to show up in the lives of others. I want to teach my kids that Christmas isn't about gifts, or traditions, or parties. It's about loving others so deeply that we are willing to give the gift of Jesus. I want my kids to say, yeah, we had parties and nacho dip, but man did we give. And love. And give. And love. We showed up to be Jesus, and to gift love when people needed it most. Thankfully, the Lord revealed all of this to me at the beginning of our Christmas season. As I sit down and organize our holiday calendar, I have the opportunity to make it look a little different this year. And I'm honestly so excited! THIS is what's Christmas spirit is! Would you consider doing it with us? Consider how you can show up in someone elses life this Christmas and give the gift of Jesus. I made this to hang up by our front door to remind us everytime we leave the house that our goal is to give the gift of Jesus. It's free to download here. Happy Tuesday!
O to grace how great a debtor Daily I’m constrained to be! Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above. Come, Thou Fount has quickly become my favorite songs. Mainly, because of that verse right there. If I could write so eloquently, that would be my heart captured in those 8 lines. If there is one thing I've realized over the last year it is that I am a debtor. I am empty. I am broken. I've tried time and time again to fill the brokenness with people, things, places, positions. Nothing satisfies. Nothing besides God. And yet, I forget that so easily. So easily I wander. So easily I walk away from the promises God has given me.
A month or so ago, I was working on a bible study we were doing with the women's group at church and there was a question that asked- where is one place you were surprised to find God? I had to sit and think about my answer because I didn't want it to sound "churchy". So, I wrote down my honest answer- In the middle of my sin. I spent 12 weeks purposely walking away from God. I didn't want him there because I didn't want him to know what I was doing. (How ridiculous is that?) I hid from him. And yet he pursued me. Every day he made himself known to me, even when I didn't want him to. When I made the choice to turn back to him, he didn't beat me with shame or punishment. He drew me to him with His love. For 5 months I begged God to open his wrath on me. To pour it out on me so I could know the weight of my sin. So I could feel the shame and the sorrow. But God doesn't further smash the pieces of our broken hearts, he spreads his love on them like a healing balm. Instead of chastising me for the choices I'd made, He revealed himself to me in ways he never has before. He showed me that his love for me only grows deeper and my actions, my sin, my fear, my shame, my running- it doesn't change that. It doesn't change how he feels about me. God doesn't look at me and see my sin. He can't. When I chose to accept his salvation, I was covered with the blood that he shed on the cross. When he looks at me, he doesn't see who I was, the bad choices I've made, the fight. He sees his child, broken, needing love. Needing healing. He sees the child he loves. This changed things for me. It changed how I saw myself. No longer was I an unfaithful wife, a broken person, a product of my sin. I was a deeply loved child of God who was forgiven. There are battles I will always fight. Always. I am an emotional person. In fact, emotions have always ruled my life. I've lived a life tossed about because I always followed the directions my emotions took me. I've learned the necessity of standing on God's truth. There are so many days when I have to take a minute and just say- God, I need your truth because all I can see is how I feel. If there is one piece of advice I can give, it's this- saturate yourself with scripture. Know the Bible. It's the truth I have to stand on. And God is always faithful. If I'm feeling particularly emotional about something and ask for God's truth, he always gives me a verse to stand on. There is self righteousness so deeply rooted in my life that I think God will be weeding this garden till the day I die. I feel entitled to my dreams. I deserve my dream house, I deserve having that land, I deserve the perfect husband and kids. I deserve. I deserve. I deserve. But the truth is that what I really deserve is to live a life labeled by my sin and shame. I deserve God opening up that wrath on me. I deserve death. But because of that love I was talking about earlier, God will give me the best. And the best is his plans for me, not what I dream for myself. I've learned that daily I have to submit my dreams to God and to ask him to complete his will for my life, not the plans I have. Now, does this mean I live a life free of entitlement? Absolutely not. There are more days than not when I get mad at God and throw an "It's not fair" temper tantrum because I'm not getting what I want. But, God is working on me. Slowly, through His love. And I've learned about love. Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Every day I can roll over in the morning and decide that today I'm not going to love Aaron, that I want to be done with him again. That I'm over the life I have with him. Because in truth, not every person is going to deserve love every day. There are days that Aaron drives me up the wall. I get so mad I want to just scream. But that's when I have to choose to do the hard stuff. I have to make the choice to extend him the grace I've been given. Those are the days I have to love him like God loves me. And every day has gotten easier. I can honestly say that there is a deeper love between Aaron and I now than there has ever been. God has honored our desire for a better marriage and he's helping us every day to become more like Him- ourselves and in our marriage. We are far from having the perfect marriage, that's for sure. But God has revealed himself to us through our healing process and restoring broken trust. Don't ever follow your heart. Your heart will tell you all the things it's told me for so long- you deserve to be happy. Do what makes you happy. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've learned that I have to do what makes me more holy, not what makes me more happy. Because in the end, God's not going to say- Where you happy? He's going to say where you holy. Marriage is hard. Next to being a parent, it's the hardest thing I've ever done because it's exposed so much of my sinful self. But God has been faithful to me. And Aaron. And I know that he's not done with us yet. We've been praying about where God is leading us in our ministry, and we covet your prayers and we wait for God's leading in this area. God hasn't changed our calling to full time ministry. Walking the path we have in the last year only confirmed that for us. Does this path make us more hesitant? Absolutely, it does. Because not everyone is going to respond positively to our story. Not everyone understands God's redeeming love. We know that there may be more closed doors then open doors. But, God is still faithful. Regardless of what our past has looked like, we know he wastes nothing and He will use all things for his good. I know this post has been kind of long, and I know that maybe you're tired of hearing about all this, but I can't feel like I've done our story justice if I don't say these things- 1. When you feel emotional, broken, beaten, angry, bitter- don't run to someone or something else to fix that or fill you up. Run to Jesus. 2. Never give up. Never give up on your marriage. Never give up on your spouse. And certainly never give up on God. We are living proof that nothing is beyond hope. 3. If you've walked a road similar to mine and you've dealt with shame, know this- God does not shame us. Satan does. You are NOT your sin. You are a loved child of God. I urge you to reach out to someone that you trust and share your heart with them. Send me a message, I don't care, just don't continue claiming this. Decide today that you won't walk around with that defining you anymore. 4. GUARD YOUR HEART. Stay away from situations that open a door for sin. If you are questioning if what you're doing is wrong, it probably is. Just don't do it. Sit down with your spouse, discuss what makes them feel uncomfortable, and agree on boundaries in your relationship. Like I said, I didn't wake up one morning and decide to have an affair. It started with a lot of rationalization over a long period of time. A lot of little things can lead to a big thing. I did a lot of little things I knew Aaron (and God) wouldn't like before I ever approached a full blown affair. 5. Never ever forget you are loved. God loves you more deeply than you can ever ever imagine. I'm just starting to scratch the surface of knowing God's love for me and it blows me away daily. He feels the same way about you. I promise. And he promises, too. Thank you for sticking with me through this series. I can honestly say this has been one of the hardest things to put out there, but I'm so thankful that God has given me the right words. We thank you for your love, encouragement, and support. At some point in our first weeks of counseling, our marriage counselor listened to my words, and hearing the emotions they were laced with and the struggle I was experiencing, explained to me that for women, an emotional affair is similar to a pornography addiction in men. It fulfills a woman's emotional need for love while pornography fulfills a man's sexual desires. But they are equally an entrapment. He said medical tests have shown that the chemicals released in the brain during an affair are similar to that of a cocaine addict during a binge. And there is a similar detox time for your brain and your body. 30-45 days. You physically cannot think/feel/act free of the effects of those chemicals for up to 45 days.
Now, I'm not putting this out there to excuse my decisions or behaviors. But to say that this is no joke. It's a dangerous thing. It's an addiction. Being emotionally fulfilled was my drug. Just because it's not something I drink, smoke, or shoot up doesn't mean it's not equally as powerful. And in truth, it is something Satan will use the rest of my life. I'll explain a little bit more about some of the realizations I had about this in Part 3, but right now I'll pick back up where I left off. The month of November was hard for me. I lived in a torn state. I wasn't ready to give up on the affair because I had put so much of myself into it. I craved the attention and the emotional high of it. But, I didn't want to give up on my marriage because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I knew that I needed to surround myself with a select few people who l knew would love me but be honest with me. I needed accountability. But, it didn't take long before I was back into the regular habits and patterns of hiding and lying to most of them. On December 4th of last year, Aaron came home in a rage. He had found out again that I'd been lying about the situation and had finally had enough. He told me that he loved me and he wanted to make our marriage work, but my choices were making it impossible to do that. He went upstairs, packed himself a bag, and packed a bag for our girls and told me it was time to make a choice. I was either going to continue down the path I was on or I was going to choose to do what I knew was right. If I chose my current path, he was taking the girls and leaving. At first I was totally enraged. And indignant. In fact, I left. I got in the van and I drove to a CVS parking lot down the street and sat there and cried for over an hour. I knew it was time. I was at a fork in a road and the choice I made would determine what direction my life would take. But, ultimately, my decision to go home was 100% for my girls. It really had nothing to do with Aaron. I came home, sat down with Aaron and let him set ground rules for how our relationship would proceed. I cut off all forms of communication with the other guy. Then I went to bed. I woke up the next morning and I felt a physical relief. It literally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But I still felt like a shell of myself. A rock hard shell. Yes, I cried. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I felt things. But I was so used to experiencing God in such a deep emotional way that I couldn't make sense of the fact that I felt almost nothing regarding the choices I'd made. I felt almost nothing towards to state of my marriage. And most of all, I just agreed to stay married to a man that I felt nothing for. It was a few days later when I got some advice from one of those trusted people that really changed my life. The words themselves didn't change my life, the carrying out of the words changed my life. It's not about how you feel. It's about what's right. And the right thing is doing the things you don't feel like doing sometimes. Aaron and I decided from that point on we were going to do the hard things. The things we'd been avoiding, the things we didn't want to do, because we knew it was what we needed to do. God intervened in our life and relationship in so many ways during that time it's almost laughable now. During this time, Aaron was in the process of transitioning jobs from his old job to the post office. It ended up, because of the holiday's and his training schedule, he was home with us for almost the whole month of December. It gave us the opportunity to spend almost every minute together. It was like God dropped us into the middle of relationship boot camp. God led me to a bible study I did with a friend, and later with our women's group from church, and it addressed almost each and every issue I went into the affair with. And still I prayed. I prayed that I could understand my sin. I could understand my consequences. That I could grasp the chain reaction for potential generations that was put in motion by the decision I'd made. I wanted to feel guilt. I needed to feel shame. I wanted to feel anything really. I expected self loathing. Any self respecting person should right? I mean, I'm a christian- a Pastor's wife for crying out loud. I should be wearing sack cloth and rubbing ashes on my face. I wanted to wear around a Scarlet A. And in many ways I felt like I was. I'd walk through the grocery store and think... "man, if that person only knew what was going on in my life and what I've done". I sometimes felt like there was a sign hanging above my head. A flashing neon sign that labeled me. I expected everyone to judge me harshly. I knew that's what I deserved. Mid January I learned an old word. A word that I'd thrown around for years but never understood. That word was grace. And grace changes everything. To be continued... A year ago I was in a fight for my life. Not my physical life, but my spiritual life. And my marriage. If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you might have seen me mention the road of healing and redemption Aaron and I have been traveling over the last year. Today I'd like to dive into that a little more. This might be a little long, so hang with me. I'll be doing this in a few parts. This is part 1.
A little over a year ago I joined an online weight loss community looking for some support and validation in my weight loss struggles. I found a great group of loving caring people who understood me and understood the struggles I was having losing weight. I was successful at losing about 20 lbs, doing my first 5k, and choosing an overall healthier lifestyle. I also found someone who was willing to be what Aaron was not being (or more less someone I wasn't letting him be) to me and for me. I spent about 8 weeks involved in a full blown emotional affair. Towards the end, I had pretty much made up my mind that the best option for me was to leave Aaron and start over fresh. Possibly with this new guy, but even being on my own sounded like a better option then staying in my current situation. Aaron and I couldn't hardly be in the same room together. We were polite to each other (at best) in public and at home it was pretty much no holds barred. When we were even home together. Aaron stayed at work most of the time to stay away from my angry bitterness. And I preferred it that way because I didn't have to deal with all the issues between us. My girls did not escape the drama and we had a constant battle with their behavior on our hands. Which only compounded the stress we were feeling. And let's not forget that we were still serving in full time bivocational ministry. Aaron was youth pastoring and we were very involved at our church. WHAT?! A pastor's wife had an affair? Yes. And it happens more often than you think. How could this happen!? Those that knew me well and knew about my affair asked me that question immediately. Now, after a year with 20/20 hindsight, here is my answer. It's a slow fade. (Yes, I'm referring to the Casting Crowns song) You don't jump into full blown sin patterns overnight. I didn't wake up one morning and say... oh, today I feel like being adulterous. It took time. It took lots and lots of me believing lies that Satan fed me and lies I fed to myself- I deserve better. I should be happy. Everyone else has a better life than me. Everyone else has a husband who adores them. I should too. Why not choose someone who makes me happy. The grass is greener where you water it, but there's gotta be grass to water. If there was a lie to be told, I told it to myself. And I believed every word. Past hurts and failures in our marriage created a wall that seemed insurmountable. So, I stopped choosing to try and climb it. I slowly shut myself off to Aaron in almost every way possible. We stopped being intimate. In fact, I slept on the couch most of the time. We stopped spending time together- why would we. We could hardly stand each other. We pretty much stopped talking unless it involved money or the girls and even that turned into an argument. And every day, the selfishness, bitterness, and anger grew and rooted itself deeper and deeper slowly pushing God out. Things started very innocently. Encouraging emails. Texts here and there. Rationalizations. Something inside me was being fed. A need to be loved was being met. Then starts the denial. Then the hiding. Then the lies. Eventually, I was lying to everyone I loved. I was living 2 lives. Eventually, the lies caught up with me and Aaron found out. That day he stepped down from his position as youth pastor at our church. The next week we started going to counseling. I'd like the say that it was all sunshine and roses from there. But. It was hell. It wasn't like I woke up the morning after things came crashing down and I found myself madly in love with the man I could hardly bring myself to look at. No, he was still that same man and I was still the same hardened shell of a person. But every day we took a step forward. With help from our marriage counselor we made a rule that we talked first, apologized later. (I don't advocate this rule for everyone, but it worked well for us). We started communicating (for the first time ever really) and we started sharing with each other things we'd never shared before. We decided to do the hard stuff. Things we didn't feel like doing. But we did them anyways. And guess what? It still wasn't roses. When you've calloused yourself to God- to his presence in your life, to hearing his voice, it's not a switch you can flip and all the sudden you're back to this deep loving relationship with him (at least not for me) . I'd created such a wall between God and I that I felt nothing of him. I heard nothing of him. I just chose to believe he was there. And I prayed like I'd never prayed before. Even though I felt like he wasn't there, even though I felt like he wasn't hearing me. I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. I prayed that I would know the weight of my sin. I prayed that God would restore me. I prayed that God would restore my marriage. And eventually I prayed that he would restore our ministry. But, emotional affairs are like a drug. A drug addiction. An addiction you can't just walk away from. To Be Continued... |
HEY, I'M JESSICA!
Christian. Wife. Mommy. Daughter. Pastor. Friend. Saved.Redeemed. Beloved.
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